Augh. Has somebody coined the term "second semester blues" yet? I'm becoming rather suspicious about this, because second semester last year was also quite a drag... I blame Honors classes. SO. MUCH. It's only a week in, and I feel like I have no other life! And once I'm frustrated with one thing, everything else becomes much more frustrating and it goes on and on and on.
There was an assembly today during Links regarding cyberbullying and how to prevent it. Now, because a friend of mine, and fairly recognizable figure throughout my grade, was suspended about a week ago, and he has been harassed all throughout high school, I know a lot of people were angered by the hypocrisy within the assembly. We're supposed to report bullying that goes on, directed at us or not, and what happens when we do? "Avoid them." In some cases, that's really just not enough. It wasn't for Zach, anyway. Sometimes it feels like the homophobia is around every corner. I'm not a lesbian, but I've seen the hate speech around. Diva or not, it's not something he deserves to be harassed for. Apparently the Advanced Drama class discussed it during 4th period, right afterward, and were fairly frustrated by the amount of homophobia, racism, and mental-disorder-related bullying here. I'm not in that class, but some approaches to the matter have been brought up.
I, on the other hand, have been looking inwardly and yelling at myself for my own hypocrisy. It's not necessarily cyberbullying, but I am a horribly feisty person and lately have noticed that the people I used to be close to hate me now, or at least are becoming rather distant. Some I don't care too much about, but in a bout of intense frustration, I called Simon earlier tonight to apologize. I left him a short voicemail message (and possibly screwed myself over by mentioning that I don't expect forgiveness? Fawk.), but I doubt he listened to it. If he did, I doubt he cares. I don't expect, or really deserve forgiveness. But not being acknowledged kind of just pisses me off. He probably thinks I want something out of him. But he should also know by now that I never know what I want. That's what got us into this latest mess in the first place!!
I don't know how to fix the pain I've caused him. I don't know if I can. For all I know, even if we do begin speaking again, it'll just be the next cycle of the never ending process of us being friends, then friends with a lot of sexual tension, then hating each other because we can't deal with each other's issues. Blaaaaah I need tissues for my issues, along with some sleep.
In a state of super-duper turmoil,
Andrea! <3
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