Stab Me (for a Multitude of Reasons)

I forgot I HAD this for a while... I only remembered because Maddy posted on Twitter that she'd updated her blog, and OH SHIT GOTTA FOLLOW MADDY'S LEAD. /noballs

I'm sick today, and for some reason, the urge to rip out my own throat whenever I speak is a great motivator for updating poetry and blogs and reading and whatnot. I'm also thinking about watching Heathers later because I have a decidedly hipster taste in movies. I can't help it that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was so gooooood. Ali says I can't judge her for liking the Twilight series when I so want to see Perks of Being a Wallflower, though. Le sigh.

Speaking of hipsters, though, I think I took on the MOTHER of all hipster movements for English 11 Honors research paper: third-wave feminism. I believe it's still relevant to modern society, but has a lot of work to do if any major social change is to be accomplished. I got reaaaaally into my research last night and compiled sources from the time I got home 'till eleven, and even then, it didn't exactly feel complete. It's just such a vast and sometimes disorganized movement, and it's difficult to find recent accredited sources studying certain major aspects of it, like its various stances on pornography and the willing sex industry as opposed to sex trafficking. I don't think any of my classmates besides Lauren, Aprylle, and possibly Jake (he just seems like he would know the most random things about everything) would notice if I wasn't incredibly thorough in my research, but I am a perfectionist.

The next two and a half weeks are going to be so stressful because I've begun attending rehearsals for The King and I, our formerly-fall-but-now-early-December-thanks-to-two-weeks-of-no-power musical, and I'll start actually stage managing whenever I'm not dying of illness; I have several madrigals performances; The King and I runs the 4th-6th, the madrigal dinners are the 7th and 8th, the research paper is due the 12th (and there are step-specific due dates), presentations are the 13th, and the 14th is Darian's birthday (don't get me started on Darian [oh um yeah boy from Governor's School for the Arts that I went to in July and told you nothing about]) and the madrigal trip to Pittsburgh to perform in Benedum. I don't even know what's happening on the 15th yet because no one's given me definite plans. And in between all this, I need to Christmas shop eventually. I would go this weekend, but Colby is coming over so that we can attend our director's summer theatre company's gala-thingie. I've attempted to cast off parts of the emotional drama that has plagued me for the last two months, but now I also have my body to nourish back to health. Thanks, body. Really appreciate it.

There is so much potential here for me to die,
Andrea!! <3

P.S. -- On the upside, I've finally begun writing again! I haven't produced anything too thorough since leaving GSA at the end of July, but I'm getting back in the swing of things. Lauren urged me to enter Creative Communication's Poetic Power contest that she and Fox were published in last year, so I've been thinking about an entry for that. I'm actually pretty confident about it; attending GSA really showed me that in spite of how I cut myself down in so many aspects of my life and personality, I'm a capable poet (wow that sounds emo Y'KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU I'M GONNA BE THE BEST EMO KID WRITER YOU EVER SAW).

Poetic and Parasitic Worries and Rants.

Today was the last day of first semester. I have one final to take, in Stagecraft, so I need to attend for first period on Friday and that's it. I also need to pick up my recommendation letters and application for GSA then. GSA is Governor's School of the Arts, a three-week arts program over the summer which West Virginian sophomores can apply to. Approximately 100 of us will make it in. I've decided to apply in creative writing, with a poetry portfolio (God knows how, 'cause I certainly don't). I have been panicking over this since October. I believe I have enough poetry, but because 8 pages, double-spaced, is not nearly as much room as it might sound like, I must be incredibly selective. And I have to think, will the judges like the same things I like? Is my sometimes risque or defiantly bitter nature pushing it a too far? Should I vary the poems' subjects, or should I try to stick to an overall theme? Soooooo many questions. Luckily, the portfolio isn't actually due until March at the time of the actual auditions. I just hope my theatre directors writes me up a good recommendation letter. I'm not worried about my English teacher from last year whom taught me almost all I know about poetry. She loves me (oddly enough, because I was always talking throughout that class). There's also my essay to deal with. It constitutes EXACTLY 500 words, the word limit. It just drives me ca-raaaaaaaaazy.

Part of the reason I'm so worried about this is because I can be very competitive when it comes down to it. I'm not nearly feisty as I once was; however, I won't let myself live it down if I don't make it, especially if anybody else within the creative writing field does (I only know of two others in it; one of whom I'm sometimes vitriolic best friends with), or the first of my two ex-boyfriends does, just because he beyond irritates me. I wanna stab him in the eye with my stilettos every time I see him anymore, which is quite the problem seeing as we have several mutual best friends and share a love of the theatre. It's as if he's some species of subconscious parasite and is everywhere I am. I can't stand his face, and if he makes it in and I don't (despite being in two different categories), I'll never show my face to myself ever again. HIDE THE MIRRORS AND THE WATER. I CAN'T DO IT.

As I've said at least one other time in my life, spite is the best motivator.

Love, a horrible person living off anger tonight,
Andrea <3